PSA: DEATH TO BBM CHAIN MAIL!!!

This was a malice that I thought had passed around freshman year of college. After you curse out enough friends, pretty much everyone in your address book in your email account should know by now not to send pointless spam. Right? WRONG!!

The menace has re-surfaced, transcending the email realm and has infiltrated the once sacred sanctuary of Blackberry Messenger (BBM). For those who don't know, BBM is an exclusive, internal service for blackberries. Since it communicates via the phones pin number through web/data service, you txt in an instant msg platform anywhere in the world for no extra charge. Kinda like VOIP, for txt msging. Unlike gchat, aim or msn, its not inviting a third party application requiring migrated screen names and passwords, and the only way you can establish connection is through direct invite and authorization. Twas once sacred :(

About 3-4 yrs ago, in the golden era, facebook was still private, and the only ppl who had blackberries were actually serious ppl about serious business. But since then, all di damn sidekick babies grew up and realized the fisher price "My first smartphone" made you look like 12 year old at the office, and hopped onto Blackberries.....bringing all their sidekick-ass habits along with them. SN: I ABHORRED!! SIDEKICKS. It all makes sense now! Why did I not figure this out until just now.

Think about this, 4 yrs later, I have over 100 contacts on bbm. Don't dwell on that, just open Friends vs "Friends" in a new tab, keep it moving and read later. Same concept. If the message says, "send this to everyone on your list, except me, bc I did my part" (clever) thats over 100 ppl sending me the same stupid message at once! Sometimes I need to silent, not vibrate, silence my phone bc it sounds like a flipping sex shop in my pocket. Some ppl say I need to calm down, its not that serious, and I agree. One of my biggest pet peeves in the galaxy is repeating myself excessively. So I do not understand that if one person requests that you not include them on something, multiple times, explicitly verbalized dislike and annoyance, what is sooooooooooooooooo difficult about respecting that person's wishes? It gets worse. The latest version of bbm invented the "broadcast" so one monkey-nut gorilla can simply send one pointless foolish msg to the entire list in one stroke.

I kinda understand you want to share a good joke but very few and far in btwn. I dont need "joke of the day." The "send this to 300 ppl or my deity will kill you" msg need to stop, but the worse is the erroneous information that lazy ppl wont even take two seconds of due diligence to confirm before blasting it to everyone. IF there is a number or a email, check the thing before you fwd info that may make you look like a less credible, fraudulent ass. Someone broadcast a number about some discounts that turned out to be a recording telling you how stupid you are for falling for it. Someone fwd' me info about job offers and didn't even realize there was a 9 digit phone number, no email and not even a name of the company hiring :\ A great fact checking, myth-busting resource to double check is www.snopes.com. BBM, facebook, gmail and aol (for the fossils who still use it) is not deleting accounts who don't fwd a blasted msg. It's been almost 15 yrs and I can't believe that ppl still believe that Bill Gates will give you all $$$ for forwarding a msg. "No trust me! It works!"

Fight fire with fire! If I've asked you not to spam me and they don't get the hint, I send ppl photographs and audio clips of things that I will not speak of, but lets just say you wouldn't want to open up on your phone. So please, please PLEASE stop spamming ppl with junk and bbm'ing "wolf" then wonder why no one responds to you when you need them. Keep that up and you're going to find pictures of poop on your phone next time you open it.

Some ppl need to be demoted back to txt msg, email and phone status.

Know your strengths, OWN your weaknesses

[From the Blackberry Chronicles]

Sidenote: Everyone at some point should do a SWOT analysis- strengths, weaknesses, obstacles, threats. Tough to do on yourself so you may need some third party help.

Sidernote: FYI, there are about 30 blogs written on my phone at any given time that with a 10 minute polish are ready to be posted. So if I ever meander for too long, just shoot me a hoot and I'll supply. Thanks Malissa........wait! What the hell did I just do?!!

I hear far too often from the feminine species:
"I need a booty!"
"I wanna be taller!"
"I wanna be shorter!"
"I need more breast!"
"I need to lose my gut....even tho I'm doing nothing about it and rrchitect clearly outlined everything I need to do to do that!"
And the list goes on for days. I can't blackball the ladies bc everywhere you look there are "performance enhancers, male enhancer" daggering medication for men so clearly the demand is there as well. We just don't complain, we find solutions (ooooooooh SNAP!).

Sidenote: That must be the mf'ing running man theme song!

Here's the funniest part. I almost never hear this from my heftier, homely, moderate and even flat out unattractive female friends. Its always, and I mean ALWAYS from hot, attractive, educated, successful got it going on, five star, bad chick women. What the hell!? Its bad enough you got a booty that can double as a night stand and own your own business. Its bad enough you got more degrees than a thermometer and enough breast to nurse a litter of pot belly pigs and or small impoverished towns. Its bad enough you have a vogue worthy face, and graduated from Oxford Summa, Cum Laude with a 12% bmi. NO!! You wanna monopolize ALL of the good traits. What kinda greedy ass, Sam Catchem, "gotta-catch-em-all" Pokemon-ass women are yall? Is this the same over-achiever instinct that propagates some self imposed sense of entitlement?

We truly need to spend less time focusing on what we don't have and concentrate more time and energy on what we do have.

Sidenote: Woah! Had to catch myself there. I could have easily slipped down that slope of making this about relationships but I'll let yall connect those dots yourself......la lalala. If not, see "NEXT!"

Ever stop for a second to think, maybe, just maybe there is some higher metaphysical reason why you DON'T have said trait? What kind of person would you have been if you had all these? Would being "prettier, sexier" make you an uglier person? Would you be happier with what you THINK you want, at the cost of who you are today? Perhaps the absence of certain elements fueled your drive, direction and most important, character? For a happier day, rather than curse your curses, bless your blessings. The lord has his own system of checks and balances.


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Psa stop using headsets if not visible!

[From the Blackberry Chronicles]

Grandpa Rant # 358-J
You know what grinds my gears? I don't understand. Cell phones are getting smaller n smaller (yet they manage to squeeze a camera and mp3 player in all of em) so why are we gettin lazier and lazier? We had no problem with the coiled kitchen phone (stretching it to the bathroom for privacy), holding it between our shoulder and neck.

Sidenote: were you ever mid conversation and the phone sliped out and went flying across the room?....... Ok I'm really dating myself now. Some readers are all like "when did phones have cords?" Don't get me started on rotary phones.

We had no problem with holding up those Zack Morris satellite phones that look like you're calling in a military air strike. However, our weak feeble hands cannot sustain the 0.4 lbs phone we now own, so we need head sets.

Sidenote: 3.5 yrs ago I bought my mom a phone and it was absolutely impossible to find a phone without a camera. Soon it will be impossible to find a non qwerty phone with web browser, data, mp3 and souljah boy ringtones.

Sidernote: Am I the only one that thinks the bluetooth is not a fashion accessory and undergoes extreme scratch-headedness whenever seeing one when no call is underway?

Yes I'm venting for no reason bc I'm sick of thinking ppl are talking to me or just crazy and talking to themselves. Especially if they have long hair that covers the headset. I'm not talking about driving or course, where its mandated in most areas, I mean regular willy nilly having a convo with you but has his headset on Harry Nelson. Hands-free headsets were designed to.....well.....free your hands, to do other things. If you're using your free hand.......... to hold the phone...well that's kinda counter intuitive now, aint it?

This has been brought to u by "Random Hate Thursdays," and of course loyal support and contributions by "Viewers Like You!"

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PSA: Dudes! Stop hollering!!!

[From the Blackberry Chronicles]

I used to call this "pouncing" back in the day.

pounce

1  /paʊns/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [pouns]bv verb, pounced, pounc⋅ing,noun

–verb (used without object)

1.	to swoop down suddenly and grasp, as a bird does in seizing its prey.

2.	to spring, dash, or come suddenly: Unexpectedly she pounced on the right answer.

–verb (used with object)

3.	to seize (prey) suddenly: The bird quickly pounced its prey.

The rarity of this method actually working is slim and requires a number of factors to be in alignment for it to work:

• Timing
• Mood
• Mutual attraction
• Execution
• Wording
• Tone and pitch

(must all be flawless. I mean Shakespearean flawless.)

On a train the other night, some guy came into the car and tried to "holler" at some young lady sitting across from me. I was shocked bc its been a minute since I've seen this. I didn't think this platypus of a practice still existed. Needless to say his approach in the previous criteria was mediocre at best. He didn't even take a seat next to her so she could hear him. I could have used some nachos or popcorn.

Fellas! You're doing a real danger to the herd if you persist. Reason being, if a man sees the woman of his dreams, and he happens to be her prince charming, she won't even give him the time of day bc 27 Souljah Boys already approached her incorrectly.

I can sympathize fellas. I've seen a few females that made me want to walk across the train car or pull over and throw on the hazards when I'm driving. But I don't. I just observe and keep it moving. First two reasons, I have a "never walk back" and "5 foot radius" policy. Also, I always remember this experience:
I once noticed an attractive female on the train who happened to get off on the same stop as me. Not only did we take the same bus, we got off at the same stop. We even walked 2 blocks in the same direction. Was this fate? Why didn't I say anything? Bc for that short commute I got a glimpse of what her world was like. I didn't count, but she EASILY got hit on 20+ times in just that 2 block walk.

It's not all hopeless young men. I actually had a hall of fame pounce that led to one of my greatest relationship for a good 2 yrs, but the conditions I laid out earlier was textbook. Bottom line/ best advice on "the pounce," a quote from Jay-Z sums it up best:

"If you draw, better be picaso, you know the best/
Cus if this is not so, ha, God bless."

Sidenote: Sad news ladies. Men will never stop especially the crude, disrespectful calls. Why? Good question lil Jenny. I'm glad you asked.

Sidest Note: I was tempted to write a comprehensive "How to" on pouncing, the correct way. Still on the fence about that......

PSA: Women! RESPECT the D.N.O.

D.N.O = Dudes Night Out..........more from the crackberry chronicles....

"OOOOH! My first mistake was I wanted too much time.
I had to have em morning noon and night
If I would have know then the things that I know now,
I might not have lost the time I complained about" -en vogue

Fyi, many of my blogs stem from questions I'm asked as well as stimulating conversations. So feel free to ask any questions or suggest topics. This was a combo of both.

I adamantly believe for a healthy relationship to survive, you need your guys nights out and girls night out. Literally and figuratively....both sexes need both. Time with your "other" and locker room time with the same sex. We all need to agree on that as well as two rules. First rule: Shut up, n don't ask questions! "How was it" is the only question you get, at most, and no follow up! Any synonym of "cool," "aiiigh," or even just a syllable is an acceptable answer. Second rule: cameras stay home! I've seen many on both sexes go down in a glorious ball of flames bc of this.

Why is this so important? Good question, I'm glad you asked. Well with the exception of one couple I know who been together like 16 yrs.....over half their life and they're under 30, its safe to say your "other" has spent more time in their life not with you, than with you. Now I can't speak for women but I know men are territorial. We like to walk out a room or house and walk back hours, sometimes days later finding shit exactly where we left it. We don't like our seat or controls adjusted, some men don't even like to cuddle or share space. So when we do make that transition to share our world with someone else that's a big step. Celebrate your victory and be proud of yourself. Congrats, you are a catch. Take a bow. However, PACE YOURSELF. Baby steps (in football you get penalized for encroaching or false starts....basically making a premature advancement before the appropriate time to do so).

Sidenote: now before all you women jump down my throat, hear me out to the blasted end.

Sidernote: women who understand sports will understand men better then any other woman. We equate just about everything to sports. It's not a stupid game, its an analogy of life.

Now men tend to have a lot of "junk" laying around that we don't use. News flash women! Its not junk and I cannot stress that enough. Ex. The basketball, football, baseball, toys, cleats, rifles, the mountain bike our homeboys, etc. Why? Bc we like to break into our old ways from time to time. Do the things we used to enjoy doing that made us identify with who we were and associate with manhood. Just bc we haven't done something in a few weeks/months, doesn't mean its over with. Matter of fact, find solace in the fact that we enjoy your presence so much we voluntarily forsaken so much for you....but don't assume its gone.

Sidenote: there are fewer faster ways on earth to fall out of a mans good graces than disrespecting his habits, hobbies and possessions as "junk." Action figures, comics, porn and video games (just to name a few) had a valuable place in his world well before you showed up. We don't devalue your billion stuffed aminals, dozens of shoes and infinite makeup collections. Leave us be.

Men generally don't like change to begin with, or worse, induced change. We welcome adaptation, evolution and inclusion.....not transformation. We're odd creatures. We could've been well on our way to changing, but being told to is just enough to make us change our mind back and not change a thing (even I had to re-read that a few times so I hope yall got that point). So when in a relationship for some time, in order to not fully lose who we are (you know,.............. the guy YOU fell for), men need the occasional guys night. We need to (don't lynch the messenger) scratch, curse, talk smack, use the word "bitch," say things that we know you're not supposed to, that in any other environment gets you expelled, fired or arrested, make fun of things we know we shouldn't (old ppl, midgets, republicans, etc.), laugh at ppl falling, check out girls, talk about how hot some females are, critique sports, trade grooming tips, make fun of and harass our drunken friends who throw-up or pass out on the curb, fart n burp and just let our belts loose, doing all the masculine things we used to do under the "previous administration" (or lack there of) to no scrutiny. Guys don't scrutinize one another, we just heckle and roast each other, which is welcomed bc it sharpens our wits and keeps us on our comedic toes.

In addition, here's an answer to the popular question, "you're in a relationship why do you hang out with so many single dudes?" Once you hang up your spurs its fun to live vicariously through the stories of your single cohorts. Men have this universal "TEAM" mentality, where even though you're on the bench or the skybox, you get just as excited about that game winning home run as the man who hit it. If your man is gunna cheat on you, he either will or won't. Has nothing to do with his friends. Friends may push you to go out or take one more drink, but they are not THAT influential.

Sidenote: you can always tell when a man has spent a lot of time with his female. He typically goes into the mode where she dresses him and even more obvious, his wits are dulled and his comebacks are weak, dry and slow when he is mocked and ridiculed.

Sidernote: in case you raised an eyebrow, yes I did in fact say "trade grooming tips". I lived with just about every race, ethnicity, and there are fewer procedures on earth, shy of surgery, more complicated than the black mans facial grooming ritual. So much so, that many black men will not shave themselves and only allow their barber to. This may consist of a plethora of before, during and after products/treatments/ tools. Don't believe me? Ask a well/clean shaved black man what they use and unless he's one of those anomalies who doesn't grow facial hair, I promise you they will say no less than 2 (sometimes as much as 4) separate tools or one with a billion different attachments. OR "my barber trims me up."

So next time he wants to go out (and it is unfortunate that in some instances, permission is required) just be the cool understanding chick that says "sure, go right ahead." You'll never find a guy complaining about his girl wanting to go out with her friends (unless its that stank bitch we hate that's always filling your head with doubt and suspicion.....and you're over there thinking you're man is the problem). He'll appreciate the understanding and look forward to coming home, even boast to his friends about what a great gyal he has. It can help alleviate or even prevent some of the nonsensical arguments I've discussed before.

REF: PSA: "Facebook/myspace/twitter/Blackplanet ruined my relationship"

and “I don’t believe in lying…….but if I did, here’s how I would do it…”

The net results:
- Happier guy = happier girl
- He won't feel like he has to lie to you (and in most instances, men don't lie bc they wanna do something wrong, its usually bc stifling girls give em a hard time for doing all the simple innocent stuff they've always did......when you met them) and men hate feeling like they have to ask permission to do things.

Sidenote: never understood (guys or girls) who met their "other" at a club.......and now suddenly doesn't like when they go to..............clubs.

-And finally, after spending all that time with single guys, most men will remember all the reasons why they're NOT single anymore, value, appreciate and cherish you infinitely more.

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