Monday, November 17, 2008

“I don’t believe in lying…….but if I did, here’s how I would do it…”

SIDENOTE: O.J. Simpson is a dick! (inside joke on the title)

I was actually writing my previous post but in doing so, my previous post slipped on a banana peel, got knocked up, and gave birth to this one. The first paragraph was actually started off as part of the previous, but it spawned on such a tangent it grew a mind of its own……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Why do we do this? Best answer I’ve been able to come up with so far,…”beats me.” Seriously, “Iono” is as profound as it gets. Maybe we can claim immaturity, irresponsibility, negligence, but I don’t lose sleep over it anymore. That’s why I’ve been preaching the mantra of honesty for years. I reached a point one day when I decided I’ve told my fare shares of lies. Let’s try this fabled truth thing…and ya know what? IT WORKS!!!!!

I dated a girl once who used to pick and choose what was important and decide what she thought was relevant to tell me and what was appropriate to lie about. Fair philosophy….but here is the fundamental flaw. When a witness lies on the stand, the court dismisses the ENTIRE testimony. Why? BC your credibility is now in question. “Well it was just one little lie,” well how are we supposed to know that now? Personally, I’d rather you hate me for who I truly am then like me, love me, adore me and relate to a lie. Not bc I’m captain noble or anything (I’m far more evil than I give off at first) but bc I’m lazy. Lying is too much damn work.

Recipe of a lie:
-First you gotta come up with the lie.
-It has to be vague and obscure enough that they can’t launch a full on investigation, but it has be, simultaneously, feasible and believable.
- It has to be complete enough not to warrant any additional questions (women love to ask questions, whether they think you’re lying or not)…..make that “complete enough to MINIMIZE questions.”
-In some cases you may need corroborators to back up the story and provide alibis.
- If it’s not a complete lie, you’ll have to come up with back up and supporting lies pre-established so you don’t stutter and pause when asked questions (which unless you’re an idiot or dating one, you will be asked). The stutter and pause are dead giveaways of lying whether you’re under suspicion or not…unless you’re Stuttering John or Barack Obama (MY PRESIDENT IS BLACK!!!!).
-Lastly AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, you have to remember the lie long after the incident and all its details.

A lie should be short and sweet. A good lie is like a bank heist. In, bang, grab, OUT! In that exact order. You more details you get into before you change the subject, the likelier you are to run into trouble, so you don’t want to linger around (NAAAAAAAAAAH LINGA). The structure, content and syntax are the most important parts………..Gosh damnit!! Why is lying so equivalent to writing a thesis paper?

Sample lie: “I went out with my friends last night.”

Here’s why.

-Too open ended: “Where did you go, what did you do?” See now you need back up and auxiliary lies to supplement the primary root lie. Two questions came off the bat that you invited.

-You invited accomplices. “Who did you go with?” Now usually, if you been with someone for a decent amount of time, they know your starting line-up, so make sure they’re on the same page (in this day n age with texts and technology it’s so much easier). Don’t wait either. Notify them before you get home….preferably before you even go out to begin with. I had a friend who had a habit of including me in his lies to his ex….the problem is, he neglected to fill me in on the latest intelligence briefings. “Hey Raphael, so you had a good time with ‘so n so’ last weekend?” Mean while I wasn’t even in the country last weekend. I can’t count how many times I had to be quick on my feet with the fumble recovery. That’s another thing. Women (most at least….that is if they care about you) remember everything. Even if they drop the subject at the moment, they’ll bring it up again. Better substitute is either your INFORMED starting line-up player, or “co-workers.” People rarely know your co-workers or have access to them.

-“WENT OUT LAST NIGHT??” “Where did you go, what did you do?” Let’s back up and look at these questions and where most ppl f up. If you pick a specific place or venue, you better have been there. I notice a trend in most major cities where photographers aka club paparazzi, photograph every major event that night, so please believe they will find ya ass on one of those sites. Next, do your homework on the spot. A dead giveaway is telling me you went to a club when I got an email saying that spot was closed yesterday. I know in NYC, the venue changes from day to day. One spot can be a restaurant in the week, the hottest hip hop/rnb/reggae club on Friday, and a gay club on Saturday……so you tell someone you went there on a Saturday….. Also, they have friends that go out too. “Oh really!?? Did you see Ney Ney, Qua Qua n nem? They were there too.” Lastly, I can’t tell you how many times I went to parties and a friend of mine ran into one of their girls at the place just randomly.

WORSE LIE EVER! Never lie about going to a movie, bc that requires more homework. You fuck around and tell that dumb ass lie in front of a whole group of ppl who just happen to have just seen the same damn movie, now they wanna play trivial pursuit or Siskel & Ebert with yo dumb ass. Personally, I believe that if you have to lie about where you’re going, that’s pink elephant you need to deal with, but if you must, my favorite alibi, “We went bar hopping, bowling, played pool, sportsbar,” bc there are millions of them out there, no one will care which one you went to.

-NO CAMERAS! I can’t tell you how many ppl were sold down a river bc some dumbass friend decided not only are they going to A: take pictures, but they’re going to B: post them on facebook, myspace, whatever AND C: tag your lying monkey ass in them. In that instance, shame on you bc you should have put your starting lineup on the same page in the locker room and not let bench players into the game.

DISCLAIMER: Raphael Charles is a retired Serial liar/damn near CIA agent and has lied to everyone from parents, bosses, professors and yes girlfriends. At the end of the day lying requires too much upkeep, stress and work and there are few joys of relief in life like telling the truth and being accepted for it. Now I’m not the first to cast stone, whereas I still lie from day to day….mostly to protect and help the innocent and guilty alike. There are two types of friends out there illustrated in the best example of friendship I ever heard, morbid as it is; “If I show up to your house with a body in the trunk, I don’t want a lecture in morality at the time, I want someone who’s going to help me get rid of the body.”

Do not in any way shape or form blame this post for any relationship problems you have or may incur. If you have relationship problems that are caused by something online or something one of you read NEWSFLASH, there are bigger issues at hand that you need to deal with……that reminds me…. I wrote something about that too.


The Incomparable Shakespeare said...

OMG!!! Wow, I haven't laughed this hard in a while. Not only because of how funny it is, but because I've thought about this too. I had a teacher once that would say, "If you're capable of lying, you'd cheat, if you'd cheat, you'd steal, and if you'd steal, you'd kill."
I always found this to be a bit extreme, but I'm reminded of it after reading your post

NSBE Canada Alumni said...

Wow . . . as I had to read this post 3x to make sure I absorbed everything!

While yes, I do not condone lying; I'll be the first one to say, if you're going to lie - DO IT RIGHT!!
[Must now find myself at confession to atone for endorsing this]

DWL!! As I have to laugh into my pillow so that I don't wake up the household - this read like you were conducting a class online: Lying 101! BUT I can't tell you HOW many times a former ex of mine - which I'm cool w/ as we had a friendship for 8 years before we dated in higschool - was forever pulling me in some lie. I guess you can say I was his "starting lineup", because (A) no girl would expect me to cover for him after what he did to me and (B) I'm a girl - so naturally I can come up w/ "half-truths", as I like to call them. I guess you can say I was an enabler for a long time, but all the points you stated was true . . .which caught me looking back at all previous situations where I lied or I was lied to or I was the "back-up".

I could go on and on and on, but I'll simply say well put; it did give me many moment to sit back and think of past situations, but at the same time had a good laugh!
~ CJ ~