Monday, October 18, 2010

Why I Hate "Sports Clubs!" [From The BlackBerry Chronicles]

I'm so backed up, my blog needs a colonix, but I NEEDED to post this one:

Good news bad news. Some of you may recall the saddest day of my life, june 15th 2009, when my alma mata closed the building with my free gym for good. Well on October 15th (exactly 1 year and 4 months to the day of the crisis), the rrchitect is finally back in the gym hence, excited to blog!!! My fat kid antics, physical dilapidation and flat out lard-ass shit has reached heights of epidemic proportions. I should show u the last bathroom pic I took. Put it this way, if obscene amounts of water suddenly dropped from my pelvis area or some parasitic alien symbiote burrowed and ate its way out of my stomach, I'd be the least bit shocked.

So why is this bad news? Although I LOVE the gym, "sports clubs" are one of my least favorite places on earth. I haven't been in one for over 3 yrs, on purpose! Now, I have no choice. My gym was perfect; small, minimally occupied and resembled the basements, cellars and barns of Rocky movies - all I ever needed. I began writing this list months ago when I visited on a guest pass and pretty much saw damn near all of these today. So here are the reasons why I HATE the Sports Club, followed by ppl I HATE in the Sports Club.
Sidenote: Ppl who know me KNOW about the only things in this life that I actually hate is the word "hate"......and perhaps wet sock, so brace yourself for some pure, unleaded animosity.

Sidernote: MMMMMMMM..........siiiiiiidenooooote....heheheheeee!

Reasons I Hate the Sports Clubs:
"Smoke and Mirrors."
Most ppl don't notice the funhouse mirror tricks. In the weightlifting section they use skewed mirrors that make u look broader and mirrors that stretch and make you look slimmer in the stretching, machine and cardio area. Don't believe the hype. Check yourself out when u get home.

Night at the roxbury.
Most sportsclubs resemble bad 90's dance clubs and have the soundtrack to match. Should you forget your headphones, I highly suggest skipping a day.

The Illusive 20 lb dumbbell.
I've tried every major chain in many locations and states and no matter where I go, for some kiss-me-ass reason I can never find a blasted 20 lb dumbbell, and if I do, good luck finding two. Idunno what magazine said the key to fitness, weight-loss and the cure to E.D. is the 20 lb dumb bell, but how did it get so popular?!!! If your workout revolves around 20 lb weights, change it up bc there's a goblin/elf/troll/gremlin who steals all the 20lb weights, takes them to polar ends of the gym and keeps moving them around, only to reveal them when your dressed and heading out the door.

The "Wait Room."
Chances are, the only times you're free to go to the gym are the same times as the masses. That's sucks for ppl like me who like supersets or circuit training. I typically line up 5 machines with the weight I need then do 5 exercises back to back with no break then rest. Not gunna happen, up in da "club."
But folks, its not so much the inanimate environment that pisses me off so much as the signature characters you find at every "sports club" no matter where in the united states you go. (For brevity, I will replace "Sports Club" with "gym" but don't let the nomenclature fool you. I hate Sports Clubs.
The Screamer.
I believe that at heart, most ppl are decent, so if I'm in an environment with large, heavy, die-cast pieces of steel everywhere, if I hear a loud orgasmic scream followed by a thunderous clank, is it naive of me to get startled and assume that someone is in direr peril? False alarm, that's just "the screamer" a person who can't lift a rep of 20 lbs with out Olympic power-lifter/ bust-a-nut grunts, followed by a "who-shot-my-big-toe" scream. And God forbid this person sets the weights down, they MUST drop them with seismic impacts as to disturb everyone around despite the highest possible headphone volume.

The Unjustly Modest for no Reason Nudist.
I hate the effin locker room for this one reason alone. For some reason, whether they have elephant trunks or light switches, men in the gym have absolutely no problem streaking in the locker room. My LEAST favorite thing to see in life, is a next mans bobby-dangles. You don't even have to be looking to see it, matter of fact, all attempts to avoid are futile. You can't put on your sneakers and turn without seeing someone suddenly drop their underwear or towel without warning. Didn't your parents teach you the getting dressed under the towel trick!? Some of em are just sitting there, CHILLING, naked, reading a paper. Combing their hair in the mirror. Blow-drying their balls (kid you not, saw that one today). The showers have curtains yet THEY LEAVE THEM OPEN!!! Until I get desensitized to it again (sadly that happens after about 2 weeks or so) imma get a blind fold, walking stick and a braille combination lock. No joke, I saw 9 penises today alone NINE (3 before I even changed, so I started to keep count after that, solely for this blog) and who knows how many "crack" dealers. It was so bad that when Patch and Denise Belfon's song "Pipe" came on, I had to skip it (my soca fans will get a kick outta that one."

The 70's/80's Wrestler.
This is the guy who looks like Macho Man Randy Savage, with a make-over from Richard Simmons. Where they find these tights and t-shirts, Lord only knows, which leads to his counterpart:

The Prep boy.
I haven't put my finger on it yet, but some guys manage to workout and still look like a J-Crew add-virtissment (going for the British phonetics, let's see if I pulled it off).

The Girly Man.
Some ppl in the gym look as lost as an Amish virgin boy, in an Indonesian brothel. Things that make me wanna kick ppl (but I wont- Sidenote: I recently learned that if you stomp or kick someone when they're down, that's not only assault, its assault with a deadly weapon - thanks DEXTER).
-When ppl use the flat bench with less than 45 or 35 lbs. Newsflash. That's less than your body weight. Go home n do some damn push ups n quit waisting my effin time!
- When ppl do a million reps with the 5, 10 lb weight. They're typically pink and purple for a reason :/ OR....worse.....
-They're the damn gremlin hogging the 20 lb weights. Again, get a pair of purple and pink dumbells from Lady Footlocker and go home! Like school, gyms have requisites you should hit first.

-Every rep they do looks like they're gunna die. No one can concentrate bc they look like they'll drop the benching bar with no weight on it, and every few minutes you gotta run in and save em from killin themselves. Maybe you SHOULD invest in the.....

Overzealous, Ambitious Personal Trainer.
This is the trainer that stalks like a falcon over chipmunk. They wait for the right time to strike like the crock hunter, and lure you into a "free training session." They then proceed to work you to the point where you don't want to see anything metallic and or move for a week, then try to sell you on more of that masochism and the value of a "very affordable" $12-1800 training package. Ladies, this is sometimes followed by stalking phone calls.......very similar to.....

Horndog Holler Man.
You have to be a tenured member to pick this guy up. Everyone looks, but this guy hits on any decent looking (and some indecent) female in the gym, typically resulting in many a fine eye-candy fleeing, seeking sanctuary at other branch gyms. If your visiting this chain for the first time, we all know who will be the first to welcome you. His favorite target......

The P.O.A. "Club" Girl.
This is the girl that heard "club" in the title, and got the WRONG idea. We understand that some of you all are uncontrollably sexy in whatever you wear, and want to be comfortable, and we celebrate n embrace that, but this girl thought she was working the pole dance workout. You wonder if she's thinking "what will cause an orgasm on-sight" when she's getting dressed. GREAT!! Now I can't stand up, lay down or walk across the room for a few minutes.

The Baby Sitter.
This puss head absolutely has to do 50 reps on any machine he's on, thus delaying or causing you to alter your routine. Worse than him but sometimes one in the same.......

The Chatterbox & Wu-Tang.
This is typically one person or a gang of ppl who crowd around one machine all day/night, which wouldn't be so bad if they actually used it. No. This is the gossip corner, typically with TMI subject matter and overtly egregious machismo (often scaring of aforementioned eye-candy and P.O.A.). They usually spend about 15 percent of the time doing actual lifting work and 85 percent of the time talking and "resting" in btwn every set of 3 lifts.

Nice for no reason guy.
Idunno what's going at home but his therapist probably suggested the gym as a place to meet friends. That's awesum! My trainer suggested the gym as a place for me to get in shape, so leave me alone and let me do my thing.

No Business Giving Advice Man.
Ok, if someone has the audacity to critique my form, physique and or work out, you better be frickin Anthony Presciano (my physique role model at one point) or better. I love it when out of shape ppl, try to tell me what I can do to improve MY work out! Add them to the list of ppl I want to kick. There's always some excuse. They proudly wear their "Polk High" or "WAK Univ." class of 94 t-shirt and talk about their glory days of faded greatness or how much they USED to know.. before "the accident." AKA "Shut up and take your own damn advice man."

Last but not least.......
The Gym Rat.
This person LIVES in the gym. They're in the gym when you reach, they're still working out when you leave. You go before work, during lunch and/or after work they're there despite not working there. They knowthe entire staff. You purposely avoid eye contact with each other bc they're a stark reminder of the inescapable truth......YOU'RE A GYM RAT TOO! Seriously, how else would you know they're always there unless you are?

Man......didn't realize I hated so many ppl.....damn wet sock excuses of a human being. Too bad all my friends with home gyms live too far. Guess I have to stomach the nonsense if I wish to get rid of the abdominal behemoth that has festered and grown over the last year n change. Sigh........super human, Zen-like focus and Shaolin Monk discipline is needed.

Sent via The Rrchitect


Anonymous said...
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Starr said...

Omg!!! You're back!!! ^_^ Oh how i've missed you and your funny humor so!!! Lol. I think this is one of my fav blogs ever even tho i need to get my ass up and hit the gym. But this had me dying laughing...something I haven't done in a LONG while. Ta-Ta for now (TT4N)!