Followed by................................Why kids today are so DUMB!! Theory 2
And at long last, the third installment in the controversial series dedicated to solving the quagmire of our time.
Theory #3: Lazy ass moms!
[From the Blackberry Chronicles]
Yeah imma get some flack for it but its my $0.02, aint it?
Disclaimer.....or ill-conceived attempt to cushion my behind from all the stilettos currently aimed at it.......now I know being a mother is arguably the hardest task on earth, second to being a single mother (technically I don't, and I understand my perspective emanates from hearsay, anecdotal data and census before you come at me with that "you will never know" nonsense - save that for a talk show). I have many dear friends who happen to be mothers, mostly single (aint that what they all say? "I can't be racist, I have tons black and Hispanic friends"...not exactly helping my case now am I?) and I've witness the trials, struggles and innovations that a mother has to come up with to raise a child and still maintain some quality of living. I'm not talking about those who give their all and fall short or who don't have all the resources and support they need.
[Now that we got that out the way...]At the end of the day, some things I see are just flat out lazy and hilariously foolish, IMO of course.
The Baby Backpack
This is the one that triggered this brain fart. I can support the frontal kangaroo sack, not 100, but I can at least think about it for 2 seconds and find some amicable justifications (despite depriving you of a simple excellent workout and the subsequent "mommy arms").
I mean, this is a new era, day and age and this generations moms have waaay more to worry about than baby boomers and even generation x'ers. Reports of mommy's dropping babies for more important tasks rose to alarming heights so something had to be done. Today's mommy needs her hands free for a myriad of critical operations of vital consequence. Three for instance:
-the number one reason: momma gotta pick up her cellphone. Blue tooth don't send text messages and operate her camera phone, blackberry messenger (you can't PING!!! someone with a headset, don't be ridiculous!) or switch tracks...which is a good segway to the next one
-mother has to operate her mp3 player. We love the kids, but heaven forbid you get btwn a woman and her Souljah Boy!
-Momma gotta swipe her transit card. She gotta pay her fare somehow. Are you volunteering to drive her everywhere?
But my biggest justification with the kangaroo sack is....AT LEAST YOUR BABY IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!! Who on mother earth thought it was a good idea to carry your child on your back -literally- needs to be thrown out in the street and shot. Unless they start equipping those with surveillance cameras or some system of rear view mirrors, anything happen to your baby you're the last to know. If I can be extreme for a second, a sniper can take out your baby and you'd walk a good block or two before you found out. We need a recall on this idiocity!
Sidenote: [Commence venting] I wish ppl would watch where they were going while walking down the street. I'm typing a blog damnit! What's your excuse? [Conclude venting]
Sidernote: "Idiocity" was intentional. Its been a long hobby of mine fuse words, language and tenses together (since I have little respect for the english language, but thats a nother conversations... and "a" and "nother" were intentionally spaced) to form hyper-zoanoid hybrid words. "Irranoid" is my favorite of recent times. I needed to invent a word to express my heightened level of.....irranoiance at the time...............and apparently spell check has no problem with that!
Kat Williams affectionately coined the most appropriate name for this: "material for black ppl to laugh at." If you can't keep your child at arms distance, there's a deeper rooted discipline issue you're not addressing. Perhaps this was invented so mothers can check their txt messages, switch Souljah Boy tracks and not lose sight of little jimmy. I'm a jerk, I know right? What's my problem? There is something fundamentally and ideologically wrong with the times where people put clothes on dogs, pets in strollers and LEASHES on children.
The SUV Stroller......that you CAN'T manage
I know that your ecstatic that you got someone to get one of the top 5 most expensive items on your registry. You all have seen it, the stroller/crib/rocking chair/high chair/car seat/ computer desk/hdtv entertainment stand/ minibar/smoothie maker/subway space consumer with the retractable sunroof top, that you can't carry up a flight of stairs by yourself. Understand something: its not meant to be an all purpose, all terrain, surface-to-air missile stroller. In tight, crowded, congested places, please have the courtesy to carry one of those fold up strollers that are designed for mobility. I know jr. loves his Batmobile stroller with the front porch, plasma tv, dvd collection and jungle gym, but let's think feasibility.
Last but seriously not least (most of you know I prefer to commence or conclude on the most paramount)
GROWN EFF'ING CHILDREN BEING PUSHED AROUND IN STROLLERS!!!
In case your thinking: "Gee RrChitect! Aw hamburgers, that's a pretty subjective statement. How can you say what and when is too big for a stroller?" I say, good question little Timmy, I'm glad you asked. Here are some clues:
-if his/her legs are dragging on the floor
-if the child has to put in considerable effort or work to stay in or balance is an issue
-if he has facial hair
-if they have a cellphone
-if they can operate YOUR cellphone
-if they have an mp3 player and can sing Souljah Boy verbatim
-if they can operate a nintendo ds or psp
-if your arms and legs start to burn after a few feet
-if they can pick up and carry the stroller like or better than you can
-if they're the one helping you carry the stroller up the stairs
THEN YOU PROBABLY DON'T NEED A STROLLER FOR THEM.
And then you wonder why their monkey ass don't wanna read, study or go to class.......and their asses surrrrrrre are monkey.
Sent via Raphael "I am Raphael Charles and I approve this message"
Sidenote: note to self - remember to write blog on why I feel Souljah Boy is the truth.