Sunday, October 26, 2014
I can't stand Halloween [sometimes] Sidenote: Let me preface this by saying, I went to school, worked and lived in the East Village neighborhood of Manhattan for 6 years. Quantitatively speaking, that makes me the equivalent of a Ph.D in Halloweenery. It's one of my least favourite holidays of them all. Not for any self righteous or religious or moral reasons [Sidenote: I love when someone tries to get all allegorical with me about Halloween, meanwhile you had nothing to say about your federal "Mass Genocide" day-off about 2 weeks ago, decorate a tree in December and paint eggs on easter...but thats another conversation, I digress] My gripe with Halloween is far too shallow, selfish and superficial for any of those legitimate reasons.
No, my beef with Halloween is that I'm a black man with locks...... Being black, in and of itself, eliminates like.....50% of conventional/ popular/mainstream costume ideas. And I'm on the darker end of the spectrum, which I have no problem with the other 364 days, but year after year I watch some of my best friends who's much lighter, do all the fun shit like Superman, Batman, Ryu, and just about anything else. I love him, but FUCK YOU AL!! Everyone knows I been a Street Fighter fanboy for 21 years! It's all good, #akuma2014 Then I have to decide, "is it worth shaving my beard for one day?" Top it off, I have locks. I can barely find hats that fit as it is. I cant fit these things under a swimcap, let alone a Spiderman or Batman mask. Tally that up, and chuck 90% of my ideas out the window. I can't be anything without being "The Black....[Insert Character]" or "Such n Such.....with dreds!" It's sad, but the truth is, a short fat Filipino woman with long hair could pull off Batman WAY before I could.
Sidenote: There are verrrrrry few black protagonists in fantasy/fiction. Now someone out there is undoubtedly tallying a list of all the the black heroes in their head to prove me wrong, not realizing that the fact that you CAN name all the black heroes, that there's even "a list," only FURTHER illustrates my point!
I love when ppl say "oooh!! [all excited like they struck gold] you can be Bob Marley/ or a rasta." ...........WORD?? REALLY!???? That's the best you found in the ACME catalog? Should I wear tie dye, fishnet vests and smoke a joint too? Your brilliant and original suggestion is for one day, I should honor EVERY stereotype that I spend the other 364 days trying to dispel? Is it that bad that the only thing dark skinned black men with locks can be.............are other...... dark skinned black men.....with locks? Halloween takes some serious creativity for us to partake.
Now that you have that framework as a foundation, my white.....my non-black brothers n sisters, you have almost infinite free range in the costume department. You remember when your parents and teachers lied to you n said you can be anything you want to be.............well, the magic of Halloween is that for one day its actually true. And it's so easy! I know so many people who dress up for Halloween for years and never buy costumes. Just using things around the house. In Toronto, white women: brown shoes, khaki pants, bluish green shirt, red lipstick, +orange wig = Lois Griffin, Family Guy. Just about any comic character out there [not much black cosplay at Comicon]. Marvel will have made 3 Ironman's, 2 Thor/Captain America/Avengers movies before Black Panther makes so much as a cameo. One of my favorite costumes of all time, one of an old roommates friend: suit, shoes, glasses, hair slicked back and when ppl asked who he was, his answer was "Better than you."
.........I've since stole that 2x using business cards for the punchline.
With the creative world at your oyster, everything the light touches is yours.....why is it year after year after year there is always som.....AN ARMADA OF PEOPLE [including celebrities, politicians, bosses, ceo's, and other folks in positions who you would THINK should have some "know-better"] who choose to go to the forbidden land for shits and giggles? Why do you think its okay to dress up like a black person and paint your skin tan, brown or black? This is one of those slippery taboos that will never be acceptable, so why even go tapdancing in that mine fields? And even moreso, why is it that people always pick the most fucked up, nefarious black situations to do? How many O.J., Trayvon, and other infamous black people have we seen by non black people? Not nearly as much people wanted to be Chris Brown, until the year he beat Rihanna. I'll even give you some secret insight that most black people don't even know [leans in closer and whispers].... I actually understand that half of the things black people accuse of being blackface....aren't actual blackface. Google the subject, this is childsplay in comparison. It was actually very cruel and evil. But guess what? That doesn't matter, it will forever strike a nerve. So in the event you somehow didn't know, let me make this blatantly clear, in case no one ever told you. It will NEVER be acceptable or okay for anyone who isn't black to paint their faces black brown or any other color, and masquerade as if they are. It's even upsetting when ppl who ARE black, paint their faces to emulate someone even blacker.
And every year one question that keeps coming up, "does dressing up like a black person make you a racist?".......... Well..........yeah... pretty much...it kinda does... in about 80-98% of the times. However, the greater overarching sentiment [whether you think you're racist or not] that 100% of these cases are guilty of is far more menacing:
What is white privilege?.....well part of it is....having no clue what white privilege is, never having to and the naivete that it impacts you or anyone else in any way. The "normative," "universal," "standard", "average" and "accepted" typically have no reason to understand what the marginalized and disenfranchised went/goes/going through because you've never had to. It comparable a straight, able bodied, heterosexual, wealthy white man [in shape with a full head of hair] trying to say that women have it just as good as men in the country. Or having no idea what's wrong with a confederate flag, or naming a team Indians, Chiefs, or Redskins. It's having no clue how or why something can be offensive to the people who are offended by it. Taken an example from Tim Wise, us able body ppl never have to think about how we are going to get around, whether there is a ramp or elevator. These are considerations an elderly, handicapped, crippled or even injured person has to consider and factor for every day of their life, bc something as insignificant to you as a 6" step, can potentially hinder their entire day. Due to the lifelong conditions they have been through, [ones in which you haven't] they do not have the luxury of being oblivious to this impediment. And here you are complaining about the ONE parking spot you can't use, with your priviledged, ungrateful bipedal walking ass.
While we're at it, please stop attempting to enlighten black people on what we should and shouldn't be offended by. I think that is more enraging/infuriating than whatever Halloween costume is in question. So please, you have a few days, a work week...2-5 shipping days to change yours or someone else's opinion and more importantly, costume selection [seriously, who's worse, the person who dresses offensive or the friends who cheered them on "LOL'd", took the pic or posted it?........or those who liked it?]. Don't lose your job, end up on every news channel and website, have your social media shut down bc no one told you that you were being an insensitive a-hole and thought that somehow, someone else' pain and suffering is laughable to you and your beer buddies.
Alas, I type in vain...... Why?.... egh..... just watch the news and your timeline in the morning and for the next week or two.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Sidenote: I'm way too much of a geek/nerd/dweeb to not post something on a date stamp of 12|12|12.
Its kind of funny that in lieu of Frankenstorm Sandy, hurricanes in the Northeast coast coupled with 63 degree weather in December, this Mayan end of the world prediction seems to be picking up quite some momentum under its sails. It seems everywhere I turn someone is referencing it. Regardless of the masses, I'm not necessarily losing sleep over it [the list of things I lose sleep over is sufficiently at capacity].
However, fanaticism is always good for the economy. Across the country our fellow countrymen are stockpiling arms/munitions, water, canned food, porn, gas and batteries for this eminently pending apocalypse that always seems to be JUST around the corner. Building bunker and compounds....yeah, bc we all remember how well bunkered compounds worked [cough! cough! ::WACKO texas::].
If I'm correct, I lived through the end of the world quite a handful of times before. Aside from living in Brooklyn in the 80's/90's [we didn't have a stadium back then, we jus had Crack], who remembers Y2K? The theory that an oversight in coding will send us to the stone ages, stop the power, water, launch the nukes, drop planes from the sky, harbor terrorists, wet your sock and salt the earth so that nothing may grow again.
If you were in Manhattan on 9/11/01, it felt like the world was going to end. Remember how everyone thought it was going to be the "Pearl Harbor" to a World War 3?......up until we waged war on a country that had nothing to do with it? Yeah, our allies reduced from the entire globe minus a handful of countries in the blast radius....to England, and a few countries no one could point out on a map. My favorite was the army of Moroccan land mine monkeys [wish I was creative enough to make that up!] And Uzbhakistan [not sure if they were, its just my favorite country names to say out loud].
I lived through 2 "Storms of the century" a year apart. Sad part is, ppl were talking BIG poopoo like "this storm aint shet! Ya ya ya! Evacuate for what?"........till they lost power and cable for 2-15 days. So your neighbors losing their homes, cars and thousands of dollars in flood damage didn't phase u....but take away power, premium channels and shit gets real. That ice cold shower humbled you the fuck up didn't it? Hell, some ppl only lost cable and wifi and lost they monkey ass mind.
That storm exposed NY for the frauds we are. We're not bout it bout it. We're not ready for some extinction level event. No book of Eli, "Revolution" and Mauri says the results are in:......You are NOT Legend! How you think you ready for the Zombie Apocalypse and you barely survived the Gas Apocalypse? Sandy had ppl in line for 12 hour shift, paying $10 and sucking penis for a gallon of regular. Craigslist was flooded with sex for gas adds, so I hope ppl realized it costs less time to drive to Connecticut and Jersey to fill up than waiting in line.
But on a more practical note, why am I not worried about 2012? Simple, my dad went on a cruise last year that stopped in Mehico where he toured some ruins. According to him, the locals laugh at us and this 2012 fiasco. Why? Bc the locals and tour guides have a different interpretation. Allegedly, the Mayans were so advanced in astrology and mathematics they made their calendars so far in advance, in intervals ranging from 500-1,000 years. Hmmmmm. What coincidence. Let's think here, does anyone have any ideas or clues as to what happened to the Mayans, say.....btwn 500 and 1000 yrs ago?????? OH YEAH! We wiped them the fuck out!!! So why does the calendar end, perhaps bc amongst the out breading, plagues and extermination, they were a little too preoccupied to get around to the next 500 yrs after 2012. So sorry, doesn't look they anticipated the whole, mass genocide thing or else I'm sure they would have factored in a longer calendar.
So is it a misinterpretation of the end of the Mayan calendar or truly the telling of the end of time? That's for you to decide now isn't it? Personally, I'm not canceling any trips, projects or plans for next year. [Disclaimer: Asshole Comment Ahead!] Besides, I really gotta question the validity of the prediction prowess of a civilization that thought men on horses where 2 headed gods/demons with four legs, and couldn't forecast their own demise and ultimately, extinction.
I'm a firm believer that when the end does come it will come "like a thief in the night." Thieves don't announce their arrivals. So live your life as if the end of the world was tomorrow. How would you want to be remembered? Would your conscious be cleared? Are you content with the "YOU" up until this point? If not, get to work.
Sent via The Rrchitect
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I wanted to write a poem
Show them a flow and
How words interwoven
as English laws are diminished and broken
Into shards, I yell “FINISH HIM” and rip them open
and hold them
in a headlock that’s deadlocked like old friends
With a spirit I cant control then
G wiz Im mis quoting
Now my train is approaching
At a metrocard booth yet I stand holding a token
behind me I hear old men and other folks nem
Agitating provoking saying
All I feel is AN INTENSE SHOCK AS I’M AWOKEN
rocked with a pain uncontrolling
like I trained in budoken
And my brain was still choking
suffering strain as if what im saying is misspoken
like im not chosen
As if I am joking and my words are not living as if they are golden
Oh please, give me sight upon sight Sword of OMEN
To see past the seas before seized by the omen
And demons that treasonous reason jus trollin
So I call out to Jesus, Allah, Zeus and Odin
To give them a scolding.
And after the roar all I heard shout, echo’ing w as
fast forward to a spring far from Poland.
In a house with Samoans and a few Eskimo men
Arguing over who gets to put to coal on the snowman
Then it dawns for a moment that I don’t even know them
Or recall when they rolled in or how they got in my home man
A yellow flag on the play, false start and encroachment
So I search for some reason, some logic or coding
Bc im perched b’yond believing , how odd are these rodents
I snap out of this dream, have I exhausted this “OH-EN?”
This isnt fun anymore, actually its quite BO-ring
Painful and loathing with lyrically no end
I should get a life? have I no one and no friends?
I’ll be pissing out characters, colons out my colon
Eww that’s pretty gross man. IM SORRY. Didn’t know-damn
When I started flowing and rolling like Conan
I had no plan and no clue how hell this was go end
Forget structure, fucks laws, I jus wanna write a poem…………….
Cut my heart like a spade like an artical blade or a nautical wave that arcs over planes……..i’m done…..Special thanks to E.P. @ http://herdiamondback.blogspot.com/ for reminding me how fun it is to play with words :)
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
I should beat my own ass. A LOT has happened in the last 2  months and let's just say physically, emotionally, professionally, financially and mentally, I'm in a MUCH better place than I was 2  months ago. The last few months only reaffirmed two things I believe whole-heartedly:
1: Outside of Raphael birthday season (which snowballed well into October this year) August is and always was the greatest month of the year.
2: Outside of a few birthdays, September is consistently the worse month that mankind has ever known to man (namely, me......... really....who's $0.02 is this?).
sidenote: for further elaboration on why the fall sucks hot chlamydia covered rhino ass, revisit my '09 blog: EFF FALL!!!So after enough accumulated hatemail, txts and blog threats, I'm back at it. Now here's the dilemma: a HUGE impedance to writing was the roadblock draft blogs I have stockpiled. I missed the carefree days of FUIFTU (F U, its funny to us) when I jus wrote what the hell I thought, during a lunch break or a single trainride, and never thought twice about it. So what i decided to do is take a couple of thoughts that have been dangling on my mind (some i've been using olympic gold medal restraint not to say for fear of offense to readers or too much profanity) and jus deliver them in straight shots, unfiltered, unedited, unformatted no chaser. And its only right i start it off by releasing the dam on the one post that bloodclotted my "draft cue" for months, going back as early as spring.
[Walks over to the town square. Places soapbox on floor and mounts it]
Fat girls. You're not thick. You're fat. Thick is a very rare and precious gift from our gracious creator and further evidence that there is a God. The thick chick nation has requested you stop abusing and ruining the nomenclature.
Terrorists attacked US on 9/11, not the nation of Islam. Build the damn mosque where you want.
Stop taking every opportunity to remind the world how many degrees you have. Hope you're doing something with them other than talking about them.
I know I shouldn't knock anyones hustle in a recession, but eff that. Its a recession. Club/Bar Bathroom Person, you gots to go! Don't look at me like that. Damn right I'm not going to tip Perhaps if u didn't hold all the soap and paper towel hostage, I could manage to pump some soap and dry my hands my damn self. Did you ever consider that?! Here's a tip: LEAVE ME THE EFF ALONE!
Grown ass men don't go around professing what grown ass men should and shouldn't do......to other grown ass men.
Stop talking about how grown you are bc you got a car, apartment and a job. In some parts of the world, this is the norm for ppl by age 19-21.
For that matter, ppl under 30 should not even introduce the terms "young" or "grown" into their dialog outside of literal applications.
Having a child does not automatically make you an adult.
Stop bragging about the things you have but do not own. Especially when you know you're one bad month away from repossession, eviction and bankruptcy. -Read "Rich Dad Poor Dad" or to expedite the last point, look up the definitions of "asset" and "liability."
Stop confusing responsibilities with independence.
Paying your bills is not something to brag or celebrate. Your supposed to pay them.
Quit bragging about trips and take a real vacation. Get ya passport-stamp game up!
Here's a clue: if your on a "trip" and you're constantly posting pictures and changing your status broadcasting about how much fun you're having..........YOU'RE REALLY NOT HAVING THAT MUCH FUN!! When you dont post a pic until DAYS after you get home, if you even took any pics, or you cant use your phone bc its in a ziplock back in your pocket to prevent water damage......you're having fun.
I have been quoted or "re-tweeted" on twitter at least 18 times......... that I know of. The fascinating part in all this, is I dont even have a twitter account.
Quit crying and complaining about your bills. Do you forget the services you enjoyed that procured those bills? If they bother you that much cut off your phone, tv, credit cards,car etc. and stfu.
Hey! Grammar Nazi! Stop pointing out ever bleeping typo and "grammatic error" in my blog. There is no prize or point system. I know my ap english teacher Ms Gordon is probably turning over somewhere in her faculty lounge, but perhaps you newer readers should re-visit my first blog back in '07 Fischer Price - My First Blog/Disclaimer for further clarification. If however, you would like to join me in reading some Derrida, Foucault, Toufuri or debate Pierce's semiotics, structuralism, deconstructuralism, or the Hegellian dialectic, in the whispered words of the immortal Al Bundy....."let's rock!" Note to self [2 months later, i honestly cant remember what the "note to self was." iSad :(]
Stop complaining about being broke if you pay more than $100 a month for tv.
A rainmaker is a banker, broker, trader or salesperson who make multi million dollar deals and brings in major accounts.......not some weekend baller who spends rent money in the club and eatsfr pb and jelly sandwiches all week long and or neglect their kids.
We need a film regulatory board and its first act of duty should be to suspend and ban M night shalala, shinanigans, shimmy shimmy yall, shoryuken or whatever the hell his name from making movies ever again.
Dexter is the greatest show on tv.
I'm not a modest dude, but I'm far from arrogant. Arrogance is one of my least favorite traits on earth (abhorred equally or probably more than wet socks). Even worse, arrogance without cause. If you're the cave troll of the crew, you'd better be more likable than Oprah and Hilary Clinton combined and as humble as a Buddhist sheep. You're not hot by association. Stop leveraging your friend's attractiveness. Arrogant-unattractive ppl..........with bad attitudes should be thrown out into the street and shot.
I dont know how many times i have to say this, but although i appreciate the emails, facebook msgs and wall posts, txts, calls, bbms about my blog, LEAVE YOUR THOUGHTS AND COMMENTS ON DI FLIPPIN BLOG!? I actually enjoy engaging in dialog and hearing different views and perspectives on my thoughts.. hell, if your lazy, jus click a reaction on the bottom. I get the most criticism and side convo from ppl who never ever contribute on my blog or worse, not even subscribe as a follower.
If you dont click that link on the right and "follow" this blog.....................the terrorists win. [Hell! worth a shot. worked for one moron for 8 straight years]
LASTLY! I sincerely thank all the readers who actually give a flyin fat baby rat's ass about what I have to say. I also appreciate those who dont give two left bra cups about what I actually have to say, moreso you simply enjoy, get a kick or slight belly-achery out of the particular ways I choose to say it. I'm also fascinated by all the followers who I have no idea who on earth you are, but welcome. Juice and cookies to your right.........
OK Denisha! I'm hitting publish and not looking back!!
...........ok Denisha, I lied to myself. I cant help it! I'm an Rrchitect. I measure 10x and cut once.
[Dismounts soapbox and goes home to play Super Streetfighter 4 and COD Black-Ops]
Sent via The Rrchitect
Thursday, October 28, 2010
It's not too late............if he has any intelligent ppl in his corner, I hope they advise him to change his tune real quick or else he's just fueling a gravy train that he won't be able to board. If you don't believe me, holla at Antoine Dodson! Two kids made a parody of him on some real talk, and he laughed his way out of the projects, into a new home for his family, onto a youtube/facebook/website and onto the face of millions of masqueraders this weekend who will be buying the official costume or simply dressing up like Antoine Dodson for Halloween.
LAUGH NIKKA! Life's too short.
Some leftover change from the last blog:
Last week, a video parody called "Baracka Flacka Flames - Head of State" released, spoofing the song "Hard in the Paint" and I think it's hilarious and comedic genius. I've listened to it probably 5 times this morning alone and will probably incorporate quotes from it into my dialog for days and weeks to come. It's gone viral so of course, the NY Times jumped up on it. Out of the 2 page article, the spark that rushed me to the keyboard was the artists Wacka Flacka Flame reaction. Excuse the typos and grammatical errors bc as you will shortly realize, I was a tad livid after reading his reactions to the spoof and forced to carve time out of an extremely hectic day to share my $0.02 on the matter.
Sidenote: For those that don't know me, I hate the n-word more than any word in any language and has absolutely no place or business in casual conversation. Words do not belong to any exclusive group, so if its not acceptable for 1, its not acceptable for all. However, I rarely use it from time to time for strategic exclamatory purposes to make a point.MY RESPONSE:
Sidernote: Yes, i hate that word more than the word "hate"........and yes.......... more than wet socks.
Wacka can eat a can of rabbit dicks! he got some damn nerve calling someone "ignorant" and then his mother/manager has the audacity to say:
"THAT'S NOT A POSITIVE IMAGE FOR US, PERIOD, AS AFRICAN-AMERICANS, WHERE WE CAME FROM, WHERE WE'RE GOING TODAY."
Isn't your son the same dude who got a song talking about "drug dealer music?!!" I couldnt believe me h'eyes reading those quotes. Dude's on twitter talking about, "let other ppl see how ignorant other ppl can be" SERIOUSLY SUN??!! Wacka is the quintessential prototype of positive black imagery?!?!
Man, that shit jus pissed me off. spoofing the president of the united states is as old as the presidency itself. Saturday night live built its career and that of many comedians off of presidential parodies, but i think ppl get too sensitive bc obama's black. Dan Akyroyd - Nixon. Dana Carvey - Bush Sr. Will Ferrell's one man show on George W. is fricken classic and made me respect him as a comedic, artistic genius. See it if you havent already. Hell, court jesters and marionettes in medieval times made fun of the kings and royal families.
I’ll be the first to admit it [takes off “no-snitching” t-shirt] as black ppl, we can be a tad sensitive, and with good reason. But this is not WWII, this is modern warfare. Trench warfare is over, we gotta be more tactical and evasive about the battles we choose as to not dilute the argument. The biggest question online is, “is this a bad representation of Barack and our culture?” I’ll answer that for you……..NO N-WORD [twice in 1 blog is too much]! We made fun of G.W. for 8 consecutive years and counting, did that stop him from doing all the bs that he did? Yeah he screwed most of us over, but from an insiders perspective, this man accomplished soooooooooooooooooooo many things (for him and his ppls - legally, ethical or not) regardless of what we said and how we felt about him.
PERHAPS this is yet another a great opportunity for our community on a whole to take some reflection on the music we listen, respond to and download. How could you possibly get upset for someone doing exactly what you do.....the way you do it? You ever take a picture of someone and see nothing wrong with it, but they hate it and want you to delete it? Its okay for you, but not the president (who clearly isn't Barack), is that the message? So my nephews can watch you do and say ignorant shit, but not a spoofed president (who's clearly doing it in jest)?
One of the classic artist spoofs of all time was the South Park parody of Kanye West. If you haven’t seen it, look up the "Fish Sticks" episode on comedy centrals website - satiric it is comedic, GENIUS!! So much so, that Kanye himself, posted a blog the very next morning applauding the writers and admitting that he needs to check himself. Perhaps this is an opportunity for Wacka (and a lot of other artists) to also do some serious self reflection on what image they are portraying.
"I RUN DA MILITARY...........IF YOU WANT DAT BEEF!
I TYPE A LONG ASS BLOG AND PUT YOUR ASS TO SLEEP!"
LMAO LOLOLOLO!!!! Top 3 best Barack spoofs to date. Shout outs to AlphaCat
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
"What work outs r good to develop legs including mass and muscle? I work my legs but they're still skinny"
Sidenote: I've been getting a lot of questions that have fermented into blog posts. If you have a question or blog you want me to write about, shoot me an email @ firstname.lastname@example.orgRule of thumb #1: For building strength and mass, do more sets, few reps, heavier weights. Ex: instead of squatting 3 sets of 10 reps with 145 lbs, do 5 sets of 3-5 reps with 190 lbs
Rule of thumb #2: For tone, definition, fat burn and lean mass gain, do high reps with less weight. Ex: squat 3-4 sets of 25 reps with your own body weight and or 100-125 lbs.
Sidenote: Don't sleep on calesthetics. You can build some serious muscle, strength, definition, mass and lose a lot of weight by just using bodyweight exercises.Rule of thumb #3: You need enough water, protein, calories and nutrition to support your muscle growth. Cant stress nutrition enough. Building muscle mass without protein is like putting up a concrete building without cement (architectural nerd moment - eff you Denisha! :)). Water is the same as water in the analogy. If your caloric intake doesn't meet or exceed your workout, you'll get skinnier and end up losing weight or muscle mass [hint for ppl trying to lose weight, just invert that theory]. Simple workout formula: calories in vs calories out. Whichever one is greater, wins.
Rule of thumb #4: Don't HALF-ass the workout. Get the FULL ass....I mean, workout. What does that mean? You hear the cliches "slow and controlled lifts" and after that ppl tend to just drop the weights. Think about this, if you lift a sofa up a flight of stair, do you do it "slow and steady" then drop it when you're done? NO! For more strength and favorable results, lift fast/quickly (but still controlled) and on the drops, return the weight, slow and controlled (these are called negatives). Focus more on the negatives. I promise you, this will cut your max in half for any workout at first, but long term you will see waaaaaaay more results than the "jerk and drop method" that you see most ppl do in the gym. Reason being, you exercise, work and develop the FULL extent of your muscles and tendons and more important in both directions. It will do you no good to lift something if you cant hold it for very long. Not to mention your entire body strengthens as you struggle for stability.
Rule of thumb #5: For building strength and mass, free weights trump machines, hands down. Some exceptions, like bowflexes, cables and other machines, are equally effective.....or almost as.
Using this philosophy, here are some of the best leg workouts I found....rather, most effective for quick results as well as long term muscle, strength and endurance gain.
As much as I hate them, no leg regimen is complete without it. This is also probably one of the greatest total body workouts and along with the bench (great for abs, and back as well), should be the cornerstone of your workout routine. I recommend you start with bodyweight squats until you've perfected your form and body alignment. Caution is key bc this is probably the easiest workout to seriously injure your self doing. Easy when goin up in weight and when you get into heavy weights (180 and up) I strongly recommend investing in a good pair of work out gloves and a good lifting belt. You dont need a bar for this. You can get a great workout with dumb bells, plates or any type of weight (I used to do sumo squats with paint buckets or cinder blocks). For increased challenge and resistance, eventually graduate to one legged squats.
Hands down my least favorite. I stopped bc my thighs and butt were getting too big and I need my slacks to fit, so ladies, yall can have this one. Another workout that can be done with body weight until balance is perfected, then upgraded to bells or a bar. Once you're body weight becomes too easy, challenge yourself by resting one leg behind you on a chair (imagine you're stepping down from a chair but one foot is still caught on the chair) and do one legged lunges.
Sidenote: When I star gaining weight in places I don't want it, I refuse to buy bigger sizes. That subliminal psychological acceptance is the beginning of the end. 2 lbs here......2 lbs there.........then you wonder where that 20 lbs came from? Doesn't happen over night....I digress.Deadlifts
This is one where you absolutely need weights and unless its 80lbs or more, you're wasting your time. there are 2 types, one where you keep your legs straight and lift with your back solely. It's important to keep your back straight and never curl the spine. Second, you keep your back straightened and lift with your legs.
Standing Calve Raises
Moreso to isolate and develop the calves. Great for developing your calves to balance out your build and symmetry. I'd recommend 3 sets each with your calve pointed straight forward, in, then out.
Last rule (for mass gain) do not waste your time with seated leg exercises. Three reasons, first, when do you ever have to use your legs while seated unless you plan to kick the dog or cat across the room? For more effective workouts, stick to exercises that emulate real life actions (picking someone up, lifting a sofa, carrying a person, pulling something up). Personally, imagine things like body slamming ppl, pulling myself up from a cliff or pulling someone off a ledge, lifting a fallen beam, being on the Sprartan front line in "300," or any other action flick type, rescue, superhero stuff. :)
Second reason, extending your legs with resistance while seated add unnecessary unnatural stresses on your knees. Try this, sit down and press your palms tightly on your knees then try to extend it. If you feel a click or discomfort, that wobbly thing (your patella) is not supposed to move in that motion and that's what you're doing with weight (like leg extensions).
Third, its ineffective for strength bc it doesn't take into account your full body weight and your cores ability to balance and stabilize the weight. Seated squats (a lazy mans joke) will never compare to standing squats. Not to mention while seated you're pushing off you back and arms and adding back stress that's normally not there. I can seat squat 400 lbs 10x no problem but my max standing was around 300 without any of the knee problems I got with seated machines. The worse hands down is the seated calve raises or as a trainer once called them "a worthless inefficient workout that will give you enough of a pointless burn to make you feel like you actually accomplished something."
Sorry for the essay, but its not a simple question and there is no simple answer. Time, consistency and discipline are the final factors. Without them all this text is useless. I'll leave off on the last most important note: Become a student, and RE-learn every exercise. I learned most exercises in my teens and mostly with inaccurate or bad form. To avoid some serious, severe, irreparable damaging injuries, take some time online watching videos that teach you the correct form and RE-LEARN every exercise..........no matter how well you think you already know it.
I recommend www.BodyBuilding.com supersite - http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/index.html
ps, Leg exercise also increases your libido [GIGGITY!!] bc of the increase in testosterone production in your lower body. Also, it will radically improve your build and upper body strength. I didn't believe this trainer when he told me it would help me increase my bench, but it did.
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Monday, October 18, 2010
Good news bad news. Some of you may recall the saddest day of my life, june 15th 2009, when my alma mata closed the building with my free gym for good. Well on October 15th (exactly 1 year and 4 months to the day of the crisis), the rrchitect is finally back in the gym hence, excited to blog!!! My fat kid antics, physical dilapidation and flat out lard-ass shit has reached heights of epidemic proportions. I should show u the last bathroom pic I took. Put it this way, if obscene amounts of water suddenly dropped from my pelvis area or some parasitic alien symbiote burrowed and ate its way out of my stomach, I'd be the least bit shocked.
So why is this bad news? Although I LOVE the gym, "sports clubs" are one of my least favorite places on earth. I haven't been in one for over 3 yrs, on purpose! Now, I have no choice. My gym was perfect; small, minimally occupied and resembled the basements, cellars and barns of Rocky movies - all I ever needed. I began writing this list months ago when I visited on a guest pass and pretty much saw damn near all of these today. So here are the reasons why I HATE the Sports Club, followed by ppl I HATE in the Sports Club.
Sidenote: Ppl who know me KNOW about the only things in this life that I actually hate is the word "hate"......and perhaps wet sock, so brace yourself for some pure, unleaded animosity.Reasons I Hate the Sports Clubs:
"Smoke and Mirrors."
Most ppl don't notice the funhouse mirror tricks. In the weightlifting section they use skewed mirrors that make u look broader and mirrors that stretch and make you look slimmer in the stretching, machine and cardio area. Don't believe the hype. Check yourself out when u get home.
Night at the roxbury.
Most sportsclubs resemble bad 90's dance clubs and have the soundtrack to match. Should you forget your headphones, I highly suggest skipping a day.
The Illusive 20 lb dumbbell.
I've tried every major chain in many locations and states and no matter where I go, for some kiss-me-ass reason I can never find a blasted 20 lb dumbbell, and if I do, good luck finding two. Idunno what magazine said the key to fitness, weight-loss and the cure to E.D. is the 20 lb dumb bell, but how did it get so popular?!!! If your workout revolves around 20 lb weights, change it up bc there's a goblin/elf/troll/gremlin who steals all the 20lb weights, takes them to polar ends of the gym and keeps moving them around, only to reveal them when your dressed and heading out the door.
The "Wait Room."
Chances are, the only times you're free to go to the gym are the same times as the masses. That's sucks for ppl like me who like supersets or circuit training. I typically line up 5 machines with the weight I need then do 5 exercises back to back with no break then rest. Not gunna happen, up in da "club."
But folks, its not so much the inanimate environment that pisses me off so much as the signature characters you find at every "sports club" no matter where in the united states you go. (For brevity, I will replace "Sports Club" with "gym" but don't let the nomenclature fool you. I hate Sports Clubs.The Screamer.
I believe that at heart, most ppl are decent, so if I'm in an environment with large, heavy, die-cast pieces of steel everywhere, if I hear a loud orgasmic scream followed by a thunderous clank, is it naive of me to get startled and assume that someone is in direr peril? False alarm, that's just "the screamer" a person who can't lift a rep of 20 lbs with out Olympic power-lifter/ bust-a-nut grunts, followed by a "who-shot-my-big-toe" scream. And God forbid this person sets the weights down, they MUST drop them with seismic impacts as to disturb everyone around despite the highest possible headphone volume.
The Unjustly Modest for no Reason Nudist.
I hate the effin locker room for this one reason alone. For some reason, whether they have elephant trunks or light switches, men in the gym have absolutely no problem streaking in the locker room. My LEAST favorite thing to see in life, is a next mans bobby-dangles. You don't even have to be looking to see it, matter of fact, all attempts to avoid are futile. You can't put on your sneakers and turn without seeing someone suddenly drop their underwear or towel without warning. Didn't your parents teach you the getting dressed under the towel trick!? Some of em are just sitting there, CHILLING, naked, reading a paper. Combing their hair in the mirror. Blow-drying their balls (kid you not, saw that one today). The showers have curtains yet THEY LEAVE THEM OPEN!!! Until I get desensitized to it again (sadly that happens after about 2 weeks or so) imma get a blind fold, walking stick and a braille combination lock. No joke, I saw 9 penises today alone NINE (3 before I even changed, so I started to keep count after that, solely for this blog) and who knows how many "crack" dealers. It was so bad that when Patch and Denise Belfon's song "Pipe" came on, I had to skip it (my soca fans will get a kick outta that one.")
The 70's/80's Wrestler.
This is the guy who looks like Macho Man Randy Savage, with a make-over from Richard Simmons. Where they find these tights and t-shirts, Lord only knows, which leads to his counterpart:
The Prep boy.
I haven't put my finger on it yet, but some guys manage to workout and still look like a J-Crew add-virtissment (going for the British phonetics, let's see if I pulled it off).
The Girly Man.
Some ppl in the gym look as lost as an Amish virgin boy, in an Indonesian brothel. Things that make me wanna kick ppl (but I wont- Sidenote: I recently learned that if you stomp or kick someone when they're down, that's not only assault, its assault with a deadly weapon - thanks DEXTER).
-When ppl use the flat bench with less than 45 or 35 lbs. Newsflash. That's less than your body weight. Go home n do some damn push ups n quit waisting my effin time!
- When ppl do a million reps with the 5, 10 lb weight. They're typically pink and purple for a reason :/ OR....worse.....
-They're the damn gremlin hogging the 20 lb weights. Again, get a pair of purple and pink dumbells from Lady Footlocker and go home! Like school, gyms have requisites you should hit first.
-Every rep they do looks like they're gunna die. No one can concentrate bc they look like they'll drop the benching bar with no weight on it, and every few minutes you gotta run in and save em from killin themselves. Maybe you SHOULD invest in the.....
Overzealous, Ambitious Personal Trainer.
This is the trainer that stalks like a falcon over chipmunk. They wait for the right time to strike like the crock hunter, and lure you into a "free training session." They then proceed to work you to the point where you don't want to see anything metallic and or move for a week, then try to sell you on more of that masochism and the value of a "very affordable" $12-1800 training package. Ladies, this is sometimes followed by stalking phone calls.......very similar to.....
Horndog Holler Man.
You have to be a tenured member to pick this guy up. Everyone looks, but this guy hits on any decent looking (and some indecent) female in the gym, typically resulting in many a fine eye-candy fleeing, seeking sanctuary at other branch gyms. If your visiting this chain for the first time, we all know who will be the first to welcome you. His favorite target......
The P.O.A. "Club" Girl.
This is the girl that heard "club" in the title, and got the WRONG idea. We understand that some of you all are uncontrollably sexy in whatever you wear, and want to be comfortable, and we celebrate n embrace that, but this girl thought she was working the pole dance workout. You wonder if she's thinking "what will cause an orgasm on-sight" when she's getting dressed. GREAT!! Now I can't stand up, lay down or walk across the room for a few minutes.
The Baby Sitter.
This puss head absolutely has to do 50 reps on any machine he's on, thus delaying or causing you to alter your routine. Worse than him but sometimes one in the same.......
The Chatterbox & Wu-Tang.
This is typically one person or a gang of ppl who crowd around one machine all day/night, which wouldn't be so bad if they actually used it. No. This is the gossip corner, typically with TMI subject matter and overtly egregious machismo (often scaring of aforementioned eye-candy and P.O.A.). They usually spend about 15 percent of the time doing actual lifting work and 85 percent of the time talking and "resting" in btwn every set of 3 lifts.
Nice for no reason guy.
Idunno what's going at home but his therapist probably suggested the gym as a place to meet friends. That's awesum! My trainer suggested the gym as a place for me to get in shape, so leave me alone and let me do my thing.
No Business Giving Advice Man.
Ok, if someone has the audacity to critique my form, physique and or work out, you better be frickin Anthony Presciano (my physique role model at one point) or better. I love it when out of shape ppl, try to tell me what I can do to improve MY work out! Add them to the list of ppl I want to kick. There's always some excuse. They proudly wear their "Polk High" or "WAK Univ." class of 94 t-shirt and talk about their glory days of faded greatness or how much they USED to lift.....you know.. before "the accident." AKA "Shut up and take your own damn advice man."
Last but not least.......
The Gym Rat.
This person LIVES in the gym. They're in the gym when you reach, they're still working out when you leave. You go before work, during lunch and/or after work they're there despite not working there. They knowthe entire staff. You purposely avoid eye contact with each other bc they're a stark reminder of the inescapable truth......YOU'RE A GYM RAT TOO! Seriously, how else would you know they're always there unless you are?
Man......didn't realize I hated so many ppl.....damn wet sock excuses of a human being. Too bad all my friends with home gyms live too far. Guess I have to stomach the nonsense if I wish to get rid of the abdominal behemoth that has festered and grown over the last year n change. Sigh........super human, Zen-like focus and Shaolin Monk discipline is needed.
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Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The BlackBerry Torch 9800
This is by no means an EVO, Droid, or Iphone killer, but I can't lie.............my love muscle kinda tingled JUST a liiiiiiiiittle bit when I saw and read about it. I'm still reading up on the tech specs which initially seem not AS competitive as the major big guns out there, but I been a fan of BB functionality since the track was a scroll wheel on the right side and everything was either left, right, up down so this is still a huge innovation of previous models. For example, a 5 mp camera is not as impressive when the you have Iphones and Evo that have HD screens and HD camera's. I must say the lack of HD quality is a bit disappointing. Still kinda anxious to see how this new BB 6 operating system works, and the boost in memory, long battery life, improved browser and retained keyboard and trackpad is pretty sweet. The funny thing to me is that several yrs ago I was at a crossroad and I chose BB over a touchscreen and I always wished I could combine the two. It's like a touch screen phone and a BlackBerry had a baby..........and it sliiiiiiiides.
It's hands down the illest Blackberry to date (I just hope its true touch and not push-touch like the Storm - wasn't a fan of that phone - RIM's mistake as far as I'm concern) and IMO, one of the greatest concepts in cellphone to date. Set to release on AT&T first (wish you had that unlimited plan now huh?) its supposed to release August 12th, just in time for my birthday. I knew there had to be a reason why I been draggin my foot on buying a new phone and have been out of contract for 2 yrs now. I anticipate the Iclone and Droid Does'ers and their needless hate just brewing as we speak. AAAAAAAAHHHHH go charge up your battery!
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