Wednesday, July 21, 2010


In response to:Men & their B A L L S

[In my best F.D.R voice]

"Yesterday, Tuesday 20th, 2010 -- a date which will live in infamy -- the United States of Balls were suddenly and deliberately attacked by oral and verbal forces of the Empire of Estrogen.

The United States was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of Estrogen, was still in conversation with its government and its emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Vulva."

I'm tempted to really go in and go line by line, but its not that serious bc its still a good light hearted comedic read. The two primary attacks was on our sports fascination and our penile "obsession." First off, let me just tackle the latter. Idunno what it's like on the other side of the fence but let me just tell you..............having a Bobby Dangles, is AWESOME!!! I'mma have to write a "Penis Monologue" one of these days. If it had a bill, it would be the first one paid every month. Men would go homeless, lose their car, lights and phone before they lost it (oddly enough, there is no bill and unfortunately some men do lose everything for it, but that's another conversation - there's extremist for everything). So leave us to our testicular devices. As much as I study, I swear I learn something new about the triangle every year, so why would you think for a second that our attachment is any less complicated?

Secondly, sports is waaaaaaaaaay more than just entertainment and I promise you all I will expound on that at a later date. But I digress, a line by line retort does not tackle the macro issue at hand.

Tread lightly ladies, your stepping on sacred territory and crossing some serious boundaries. There are many things about women we don't understand but leave it be bc we know how ugly things can get and how quickly we get accused of insensitivity. But for men, we can lash and lash away and just say "man up" can't we? Ah the double standard lingers. Not complaining bc we can't take it................just advising that we can easily go down the same route if that is in fact where ladies wish to go. Men, we must quell this peasant uprising before it rallies momentum in the surrounding towns and neighboring villages!!

Sacred Cows that Men don't understand, but respect and leave alone:

Make up - Any man who really likes to loves you will say he prefers you without it. Any man that says "OOOH GOSH bebe! Put on some MAC or we not leaving the house," you might want to reconsider. We don't question why your make-up box is more elaborate or intricate than the average mans tool box or surgeons spread. We don't question why you have more colors and tools than Bob Ross or a first year fine art student. We just smile, play video games or watch TV while you're getting ready.

Shoes - Most women I speak to average somewhere btwn 40-70 pairs and more. Why you need 10 pairs of black shoes, that's another conversation. I've heard some really creative explanations that I'm sure would sway a jury of your peers in a court of law. But not every man has lived with a woman for enough months or years to BEGIN to grasp this concept.

Jeans - Why exactly do you need 12 pairs of blue jeans, I'm sure you can come up with and already have very sensible sounding reasons.....but once again, it's a rhetorical question. We leave that alone.

Periods - The red light, Aunt Dot, Your friend, T.O.M., Aunt Flow, or any other myriad of names you call it. Its a part of life, we accept it, but it will forever gross us out. Sorry, its the truth. But out of respect for you, we stomach it and speak nothing of it. The most profound summary of our feelings on it is from South Park's Mr Garrison when he said, "I don't trust anything that bleeds for seven days and doesn't die." BUT, we have too much love, respect and adoration for the female body and know better than to go there.

You're "EX" - I'm convinced that 99% of women have or had at least one ex that they cannot stop talking about and you are sick and tired of being sick and tired of hearing about. She'll go on and on about all the reasons why he's the most terrible person in the world. If it happens to be someone you're dating, find said ex and punch him in the face bc he's to blame for 80% of your relationship issues. He does or did things to her that if it were to happen to your sister or cousin, you would consider murder. Yet, she still goes back with him, sees him, hangs out and carries on as if none of that ever happened. And you're in the awkward position of forcing to keep a straight face bc the dude is always around. Oh the dilemma: do you tell your friend STFU and risk alienating a good friend who needs someone to confide in, or do you stomach it and be a good friend to your own personal and psychiatric dismay? Again, I'm sure you have all the reasons in the world why you can't give up on Blood Liver, Stabwound Stan,Bullet Tooth Tony, or Ike Turner just yet.

Like Scarface said, "All I have in this world is my balls and my word and I don't break them for no one. Do you understand?" So leave the balls alone [except for the one or two acceptable permissible occasions ::GIGGITY!!::]. We will forever be very protective of them in a way that until you've been kicked, knee'd or grazed in the nuts, will never understand. Remind me to tell you all one day the many lessons in life and manhood that you can learn from sports. It's more than just a game. The key take-away here is that full understanding is not requisite for compliance, respect and symbiotic cohabitation.

We protect our nuts like a squirrel with a bazooka!!


Ky said...

U r lucky I like you! LOL I am glad I am inspiring retaliation! Bring it - cause I'm a Tribe WARRIOR!!! LMAO

R said...

aaaaaaaaaaaaaw!! thats the sweetest ting anyon's ever said to me! I heart my TRIBE-mates